All You Need Is Love

Since the beginning of time, love has been recognised as an undeniable part of human existence.

Whether it is affection for a partner, mother, brother, friend, or neighbour, a life without love is poor indeed.

L-O-V-E

So what is this thing called love?

At its most basic level, love has two main ingredients: affection and attachment. Affection can be described simply as a positive feeling that you have towards someone. Attachment is an emotional bond or connection. When affection and attachment are combined they can produce the feeling of romance, friendship, sexual passion, or platonic love.

With all these diverse incarnations of loving feelings, it is sometimes easier to define love by what it is not: affection is not hate, romantic attachment is not lust, and romance is not just friendship. There is something committed and long-lasting about love that makes it wholly unique. But that hardly helps to define all of love’s different manifestations.

In 1960, C S Lewis published The Four Loves, a book that explores the nature of the emotion based on the four Greek words for love, which the English language amalgamates into one.

The first of the four loves is affection through familiarity. This is love’s most natural form, occurring between family members or those who spend a lot of time together.

Friendship, the second love, derives from a shared interest or association. For Lewis, this shared connection is a fundamental ingredient of friendship, which requires something to be about.

Lewis’s third love is eros, which is what we might call being in love. Lewis goes to pains to stress that eros is different from sexual passion. Eros is a love that will continue regardless of the pleasure derived from it.

Lastly, there is charity, which is what we might consider as neighbourly love. This love is unconditional and not based upon the lovable qualities of the person.

The Four Loves:

1. Affection through Familiarity
2. Friendship
3. Eros – being in love
4. Charity – neighbourly love

Love has an enduring importance and many meanings in different cultures all around the world. In China, the traditional character for love (ai) shows a heart surrounded by the symbols for accept, feel, and perceive. They also speak about building a good gănqíng, which is like having a good rapport, established by building empathy and emotional attachment. Yuanfen is used to describe the connection between soul mates, two people who are destined by fate to be together. In Japan, the word amae describes the love of a mother for a child. The Latin word amor was so significant in ancient times that it was even used as the secret name for Rome (Roma). Love really does make the world go round.

SHOWING LOVE

All relationships based on love, no matter what kind, require communication. There are many ways that love can be expressed and, because we are all unique people, we all have unique ways of communicating it. Gary Chapman, a marriage expert, has identified five ‘love languages’, or five ways that people express love to one another. The love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical affection. Words of affirmation, like compliments or encouragement, are all it takes for some people to feel loved. For others, quality time, sharing life with deep conversation, is the way they express their love. Some people respond best to the giving and receiving of gifts as physical tokens of an emotional love. Others will show they care by performing acts of service, doing chores or helping others. Lastly, love can be expressed through physical touch; something as simple as a caress, hug, or kiss can be a big deal to someone whose love language is touch.

Understanding how people communicate love can be a crucial component in showing your affection for someone or in recognising someone else’s affection for you. For me, love is most significant in the form of gifts. I take great delight in choosing presents for people, wrapping up something I think will speak to them, and seeing their face light up upon receiving it. Christmas is one of my favourite times of year. Similarly, I love getting presents! It doesn’t matter how expensive or fancy it is, a thoughtful gift (my favourite chocolate bar, a bubblegum bright nail polish, even a homemade card or cookies) makes my heart flutter like nothing else.

When I first heard about Chapman’s love languages, I thought about the people I love in my life. Some of them stood out as constantly giving glowing words of affirmation, others are very physically affectionate. My friend Anna, the consummate hostess, is a clear example of someone who speaks through acts of service, but for my boyfriend it’s all about quality time. Uncovering these simple secrets gave me a great insight into how I might best speak my love for them and how they were trying to communicate their affection for me. Knowing how to interpret love has made all the difference. Keep an eye out for love, even when it’s not in your language.

A LONG LIFE IN LOVE

Sharing love can have a surprising effect on your life. People who feel loved and maintain stable long-term relationships are likely to live longer, happier, healthier lives (and make more money too). Emotionally, people who feel loved are less likely to experience loneliness or antisocial tendencies than those who don’t. A study performed by the State University in New York also discovered that those with long-term loving relationships, or a close social network built on affectionate bonds, experience less anxiety, depression, and stress than those who were not. They are able to gain more satisfaction from life because they have people to share it with them, both the good and the bad.

As well as a better emotional life, people who cultivate loving relationships are likely to be rewarded with healthier lives. Studies have shown that love can result in lower blood pressure and cholesterol, fewer visits to the doctor, a resilient immune system, and a stronger heart. There have even been studies to show that love might aid in the fight against cancer by stimulating a greater white blood cell response. Best of all, love means a longer life. An Australian study recently demonstrated that elderly people with a wide circle of friends were 22% less likely to die during the course of the 10-year study than those without.

For the sake of your heart, head, and health, it’s wise to spend time investing in your relationships. Nourish the love in your life until it blossoms!

LOST LOVE

Unfortunately, heartbreak and love go hand in hand. Losing a loved one can mean many things: death, divorce, rejection, moving away, or simply growing apart. We all feel these losses differently; for some people a broken heart manifests as anger, others depression, grief, apathy, or anxiety. Sometimes this emotional feeling becomes physical as well. Insomnia, nausea, and loss of appetite are common symptoms of a broken heart. Heartbreak can even result in stress cardiomyopathy, or broken heart syndrome, which is a sudden weakening of the muscles of the heart triggered by the stress common with the loss of a loved one. Having strong emotional or physical responses to lost love is very human and completely natural.

There are many ways to start dealing with the loss of a loved one. Start by surrounding yourself with people who care about you. Don’t try to deal with loss alone, get connected with friends and family who can help you through it. Next, keep yourself busy by doing some volunteer work, picking up a new hobby, or taking a class in something new. A change of scenery can be really beneficial, so get away for a weekend, or go to a restaurant or café you’ve never been to before. Keeping active during an emotionally tumultuous time can really help. Heading to the gym or going for a long walk is a fantastic way to improve your mood, as exercise releases certain neurotransmitters in the brain that alleviate physical and mental pain. Exercise also releases endorphins, which are natural pain-killers and mood-boosters.

Most importantly when dealing with a broken heart is what you shouldn’t do. Although heartbreak hurts, it’s important not to suppress your feelings for too long. If negative feelings aren’t dealt with they become unhealthy, so allow yourself time to cry and grieve, rather than postponing the inevitable. Looking after your health is also important. Although binging on chocolate and wine and sleeping all day may seem like the appropriate response to a serious loss, in the end it will only make you feel unhappy with yourself. Instead, make sure you are eating healthily and exercising regularly. Maybe treat yourself to a massage, manicure, or a new hairstyle. Anything that will make you feel nourished is a wonderful idea. Lastly, don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Many people find it difficult to handle such emotionally turbulent times, so don’t be scared to reach out to family, friends, or further afield to a professional if you need to.

LAVISH LOVE

Enjoying more love in your life doesn’t have to be all about dating websites, singles’ nights, and set-ups. In fact, it doesn’t have to be about romance at all. By finding new friendships and caring for those you already have, your love quota can skyrocket.

Start to make new friends by meeting new people: join a sporting team or a club to meet people with common interests. Even volunteering can be a great way to engage with others who share your convictions. Make an effort to build a friendship by talking to people. Start with small talk, but aim to build a conversation and find out about them. Be friendly and light-hearted, remembering the importance of body language. An open stance, smile, and eye contact can make a huge difference in how approachable you are. If you take the first step, making friends isn’t so difficult.

Cultivate the relationships you already have as well. Being a good friend isn’t all that hard, but when we get busy or stressed we can stop being as attentive to our friends’ needs. Remember that a good friend is reliable and trustworthy, an attentive listener, and most importantly, available. Be there for your loved ones when they need you, as trust is a crucial foundation for any loving relationship. Be giving of yourself and reap the benefits.

LOVE ON!

Love is so important to life because it helps to bring us meaning and purpose. It gives us people with which to share our joys and our woes. It gives us the courage to reach further than we could without it and achieve more too.

So look for love in your life, nurture it, and watch it grow!

Eat Your Heart Out with Anna Gare