Life Q & A with Psychologist Kathrine Selmer Johansen
- 30-4-2011
- All Flourish: Articles: Archive, Relationships
with Kathrine Selmer Johansen
Reader Question:
“I am really worried about my girlfriend. She is married to a man who has a drinking problem and is very abusive. She recently separated which was a relief for those who care about her but after a few weeks she returned to her husband. It is very disturbing for those close to her who care and quite honestly, we don't understand why she would want to return to someone like that? Can you help?”
Psychologist's Answer:
It can be very confusing when something like this happens. From a rational perspective, it is natural to ask why someone would return to a situation that is abusive. There are a number of reasons though, and I will touch on just some of those here.
Attachment Style
Very little is publicised about what psychologists call 'attachment style' which is formed during our very first years of life.
Very briefly, if a child had a primary ca regiver who was inconsistent in their behaviour, a child is likely to form one of three insecure attachment styles. Space prevents me from going into too much depth here, but in reality if a child experienced inconsistency eg abuse, emotional or physical absence, then this actually sets up a neurological pattern in the brain saying 'this is close relationship'.
With this in mind, when a child grows into adult life, they become attracted to people who fit this pattern.
I don't know what kind of parenting your girlfriend had so it is difficult to really tell why she became attracted to an abusive man, but it is likely that this is the reason. Seeing a psychologist will identify if she has an insecure attachment style. They will also help her work through what she can do about it.
Co-dependency:
Living in this kind of relationship can often lead to losing a sense of self.
All attention is placed on the partner trying to help them overcome their abusive nature, particularly where alcohol or drugs are involved, concentrating on mopping up after a binge, making peace, protecting herself and her children etc.
Her focus may be on trying to change the situation rather than identifying her needs. She may not know that she cannot change her husband's behaviour, only he can.
Through this process of endless hoping and trying she may have lost her own identity and doesn’t know who she is any more, let alone know or respect her own needs. When you ask how she feels, is she able to articulate beyond “I'm OK” or “I'm upset”? When you ask what she needs, is she able to tell you?
If she can't actually tell you it is likely that she has lost contact with herself.
Fight or Flight:
Scientists have found that when we become really stressed (flooding), we operate from the amygdala, which is a very small part of the brain that we call the 'animal brain'. In response to any threat, under stress we will either fight or run. Think of being attacked by a lion. What would you do? It is only after the attack is over that we are able to engage our rational mind and I think this is what happened with your girlfriend.
She has run away as a 'flight' response and then the rational mind has set in with other issues that are also very real. Rather, she may be experiencing feelings that she cannot cope with and as a result, going back seems the only logical action to reduce the pain.
I will discuss some of these feelings:
Loss:
Your friend may feel a strong sense of loss without her husband, even though he is abusive. This sense of loss may be so overpowering that she figures it is better to be with him regardless of the consequences.
During this thinking process she is likely to focus on the good aspects of her husband and make excuses for his bad behaviour - which is actually quite irrational and indicates that she is still very stressed and unable to make decisions that benefit her. She may also feel that she can help him if she returns and the payoff is that she won't be lonely.
Guilt:
She may feel guilty that she left her husband. More often than not an abusive partner will attack with emotional blackmail “you left me to cope on my own”, “you don't love me”, “you care more about your friends than me”, which will often turn into feelings of guilt. Returning will make the feelings of guilt subside, but it won't solve the problem. The emotional blackmail is likely to continue.
Shame:
She may feel that it was all her fault. Shame is deeper seated than guilt. Shame is about the person not feeling good enough rather than something they have done which they can remedy.
Shame can develop in early childhood and through adult relationships particularly if the person has been repeatedly told that they are not good enough.
Feeling shame is an indication that a person is lacking in self-love and self-value. With this view, it would be difficult to actually believe that one could actually be happy and feel loved by another. Returning might seem the logical option to try to be loved again, after all they may think "who else would want me"?
Loneliness:
Loneliness is something very prevalent in today's society. We no longer live in small communities where we are part of a village that provides identity, friendship and support.
Although your friend may have family and friends to support her, it is not the same as living with someone permanently who she can identify with. We must remember too, that she has not only left her husband but her home, and possibly her community and mutual friends as well.
However, this need to quell the feeling of loneliness often leads a person with an insecure attachment style to return, or to be attracted to the same kind of person and find themselves in similar circumstances over and over again.
No sense of belonging:
When apart from her husband she may feel like she doesn't know where she belongs. Belonging is a really important part of life, one of the things that underpins self actualisation. Short term solutions like living with friends and family does not provide a sense of belonging. However, it may provide a safe environment until she is able to examine where she does want to belong and the strategies needed to achieve this.
Fear:
She is most probably scared of the future, facing it alone, not knowing what is in store for her. She may fear losing the financial security that her husband provided. She may even fear that he will do her harm if he finds her. These fears could all be very real in her perception.
It can be a very scary place to be when one doesn’t know how to get through this transition period.
So what to do?
The best thing your friend can do is to seek psychological help and preferably join a group who specialises in helping people in this situation.
A good place to start would be a counsellor at Holyoake who will provide wonderful support. It would also help if those close to her attended the group as it can be very difficult to understand how to help, what to do and what not to do.
Joining a social group in a church or local community can also help her sense of belonging and feelings of loneliness. She should seek this on a regular basis before, during and after the transition.
It is important that she actually 'experiences' sorting out her problems, rather than let others do this for her. It is the 'experience' that will help her find her sense of self and independence that she may not have experienced before. With this behind her, she will be better equipped to make rational decisions in her best interests.
For further information and to contact Holyoake, visit www.holyoake.org.au or phone 08 9416 4444. 
About the author: Kathrine Selmer Johansen is a Registered Psychologist and can be contacted on 0401 684 806.
Flourishnote: Have you had a friend in this situation, or is this you? We hope this article helps. Do you have any advice or thoughts you'd like to share in the comments box below?
